Observe the Practice, Not the Person: Leadership, Friendship, and the Coaching Mindset

School leadership often demands a careful balancing act, being kind without being permissive, supportive without becoming ineffective, and fostering collegiality without losing sight of the institutional mission. One of the trickiest lines to walk? The space between friendship and leadership.

Avoiding hard conversations is tempting when we know the people behind the practices. We share lunchrooms and late-night texts, hallway laughter, and life events. When you're leading (whether formally or informally), there's a non-negotiable truth to return to:

Observe the practice, not the person.

This phrase isn't just a way to depersonalize feedback. It's a mindset shift that allows leaders and coaches to honor the dignity of colleagues while still holding space for growth. It's a way of saying: I see you, I care about you, and I also believe in your capacity to reflect, adjust, and improve.

Friendship vs. Collegiality

Let's name it: schools are deeply human places. We grow attached. Friendship and leadership can sometimes collide, especially when coaching is involved. When you notice something that isn't aligned with best practice (an instructional gap, a missed opportunity for student voice, or a pattern of inconsistent communication), do you say something?

The answer should be yes, if we're leading for growth. But how you say it matters.

Friendship sometimes means acceptance without critique. But collegiality in service of a shared mission means something richer. It's a professional trust rooted in the belief that none of us are finished products. Great schools thrive on this kind of trust.

Coaching with Kindness

To lead with integrity, we must develop a "coaching kindness." This doesn't mean sugarcoating. It means being precise about what we see in the work, not in the worth of the person.

Try these frames:

• "I noticed during small group time that most students were passive. What's your take on that?"

• "Your intention to build student autonomy is clear. How might we tweak this part of the lesson to deepen that?"

• "How do you feel this aligns with the practice we've been studying as a team?"

These are curious questions. They don't attack, they invite. They assume competence. They remind both coach and colleague that growth isn't a judgment; it's a journey.

Institutional Growth Depends on Honest Practice

There's a reason high-functioning institutions thrive on feedback cycles: the work matters more than our comfort zones. But if we're too focused on being liked or hesitant to name what needs work, we limit our schools' potential.

As leaders, we can set the tone: That coaching is not punishment. That feedback is an act of care. It's not about who you are; it's about what you're doing, what you could be doing, and how we can all improve together.

Let's build cultures where feedback is expected, not feared.

Let's commit to observing the practice, not the person.

Let's coach with kindness and lead with courage, because our students deserve nothing less.